Sick Cute: From Dark and Cozy to Yami Kawaii

June 12, 2019

I've recently taken a big 180 degrees to shamelessly let out a part of my personality that I've rarely shown to anyone. I've always come off as dark, intimidating, kind-of-gothic, with all black attire person. I used to not like how much attention I'm getting whenever I have to wear something colorful. Unlike wearing black, I can get to hide in the shadows if I want to. I mean, it's just black, nothing else to look at, so they would not gaze at me too much, or analyze the way I dress.

Don't get me wrong, I still love black and the way I style myself before, but this time I want to try incorporating my likes into one personality. Given that mental illness gets in the way as to how I dress up to avoid a sudden flow of anxiety, but at the same time I would love to let my creativity out from time to time. I have this guilty pleasure over cute things and pink.

I can still remember when I was in high school, I have this pink hello kitty sling back that was my favorite and most of the things you'll find in there were pink except for books and color coded notebooks. I also have this pink cat keychain that lights up. It was one of those times that I've let out my obsession of pink and kawaii. Although back then I really have no idea about kawaii fashion or style. I also don't have any photos of me with it because I have no phone that time. So I can't really take selfies.

I also used to cosplay back in 2009 to 2016, which became my go-to therapy whenever I want to be out of my shell again. I've been into both anime and disney related characters in which I feel most amazing whenever I had the chance to dress up.

     Recently, I found out about Menhera Kei / Yami Kawaii, and I knew that this is it. This is exactly how I would want to describe my style. This is how I want people to perceive the way I present myself. Using style and fashion to spread mental health awareness. That there are still days that we choose to hold a happy, light and kawaii outward personality while dealing with the heavy feelings on the inside. I have the choice to create which look I want to be in without getting confused if this is really what I wanted to be in.

I feel like I am not choosing a side anymore. That I can be both without having to differentiate them too much from each other. They don't have to collide anymore like I used to think of them. I don't have to choose between sea of subculture to find where I belong.

It feels very much empowering to know that despite depression, despite everything that I'm going through, there's still a community out there that I could say I belong to. That despite the ugliness of the experiences and the scars, I can be who I am and show that I can be beautiful in ways that I am proud of.

I do not dress this way everyday, at least not yet, because being in a tropical country is a no joke when it comes to dressing up. But the effect of Yami Kawaii feels more like a weapon to me to finally be able to express myself better and send out a message to those who are suffering too like I do.

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