I Got Tired Of Myself, So I'm Leaving Her Behind For Good

Almost only a month left before the year 2019 ends, and I can tell you that my life is still on its peak of mess. That's totally...

Almost only a month left before the year 2019 ends, and I can tell you that my life is still on its peak of mess. That's totally fine. But after getting all emotional and defeated for months, I decided to drop almost everything in my life; projects, plans, my blog, some games that I've been playing to pass time, and maybe, myself too.

I have always been so worried to have my foot forward but I couldn't see how much damage it has done to me and to every decision I'm making. So, I decided to step back to be able to move on. It felt like a bunch of matches that are laid down side by side horizontally, and once you've lit one on fire, the other one beside it will get caught too and burn not unless you pull one out to stop the fire from spreading.

I stepped back, to stop the destructive fire for making any more damage.

Taking some time off to gather the thoughts and courage to re-evaluate all the necessary plans for my own future, is probably one of the best decisions I've made so far. I mean, I thought of it many times but, it made me feel like I'm wasting my time if I ever step back and stop. Which I can guarantee you, I was wrong, because it is perfectly healthy.

The amount of pressure to become successful is enormous and it's almost eating up my whole life. I could see some of my colleagues striving, halfway there, and some are already there, whom I want to congratulate, by the way. These people are so brave and amazing to have their life sorted, or at least have the strength to do so.

I'll admit, I'm not there yet. Not even close to it.

But life isn't a race as they say; that my timeline is my own and mine alone, which I can say is an unending road of learning the process of self-love, maximizing my productivity, and trying to live my life to its purpose.

I have a love-hate relationship with myself. Some days, I'd pamper myself, eat some good food, take great care of my body, and take in great information from the world to get ready to start doing something productive. Then, there are days when I just want to completely shut down, hide from the rest of the world and destroy myself to bits. And that, is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life.

Sometimes I can quickly recover from it and dust myself off, but other times, it takes months before I can get out of the dark thoughts which is also why I ended up putting my works aside so I can rest myself and recover from the heavy load.

I'm getting tired of it to be honest, yet I've never been brave enough to knock it down with my own bare hands. This time, I want to. I sincerely want to destroy and devour these thoughts so I can finally have the luxury to live a more normal life than before. I know that eventually I'm going to get tired of myself too, and I am not even surprised if someone else would tell me the same thing about myself. Yet I knew, I just wasn't courageous enough to do it yet back then.

Not anymore.

From here on, I want to create a place where I can completely be honest with myself, make sure that I'm going to be doing a great job on my own pace and share my story of learning to live alongside my condition, the circumstances and how am I making it out alive.

Before the year ends, I want to leave my old self behind. I don't want to drag her anymore with me, or involve her in any way possible with the activities and opportunities that are waiting for me in the near future. And I want this place to be the witness to it, to the scariest yet the bravest decision I'll be making so far.

I want to create a new version of myself who's going to be hungry for adventures, more critical decisions, staring inconveniences straight to its eyes and knock it down. I want to be able to share it to the world how I'm doing it, how am I doing and where I'm going.

This is going to be my oath to myself as I rewrite my own story to share, and inspire people as I go through this long yet amazing journey ahead.

I am now saying goodbye to the person I knew. One who had given me the hardest of time and destroyed my will, passion, and determination all these years. I won't forget how this person has ever made me feel. How destructive it was to be her. But I will leave her for good. I don't want or need her anymore to shut me down again this time. May the test of time wash her away from me as I live a little bit longer everyday. 

 May you also find your courage to change your life and your situation to be able to share to the world your own amazing journey.

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